A Battle

I’m posting this because it’s been on my mind for the past…oh, 14 years or so. I’ve never really written about it and I haven’t talked to too many people about it. This blog is more of a mental processing machine for me than anything. It helps me sort out my thoughts and gain clarity. So feel free to skip this post as it won’t be terribly lighthearted and happy. I promise to have a happier post coming soon! =)

Goodness, where to start? So my parents divorced when I was maybe 14 or so. I don’t have a lot of memories about that time in my life. Maybe a subconscious thing, but I can’t remember a whole lot. I do remember my dad telling me shortly after my parents separated that he was “seeing someone”. That someone is now my step-mom.

Things have never gone well between me and her. Never. For a brief moment, when she was still dating my dad, she was pretty nice to me. I remember her taking my sister and I out for our very first professional manicure and I remember her taking me to lunch once, which went pretty well. Then she married my dad and the whole nice routine quickly ended.

Ever since then, it’s been rough water. Actually, I suppose that would be an understatement. 

No one in my life has brought me more tears, pain and heartache than my step-mom. I have spent the better part of 14 years pretty darn afraid of her. I’ll spare you all the details, but it’s been bad. Any time I’ve been near her, I’ve had an uneasy feeling. Something just wasn’t right…. 

For the past 5ish years, my step-mom has basically written David and I off. We were not welcome in her home and she refused to speak to us. To be honest, those 5 years were pretty darn good. Peaceful, at least.

Recently, she reached out to us. Invited us over for dinner. I’ll spare you another long story, but it didn’t go well, and we’re back on her black list again. I finally felt I was at a point where I could say “You know what? That’s it. I’m done. There’s been too much pain. I don’t care if I ever talk to her again. I don’t care if I never see her again. I’m tired. I’m done.” I almost got to that point.

My Bible study has just started the Truth Project and we watched the first episode last week. Much of the first video was on spiritual warfare.  I was watching the video and then I heard this verse:

And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful.  Opponents must be gently instructed, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth, and that they will come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will.

That verse hit me like a ton of bricks. She is not my opponent. She is a captive of Satan, in dire need of rescue. Honestly, there is no other possible explanation for why she is the way she is. Aside from mental illness (which I suppose could be a possibility), the only possible explanation I can come up with for her behavior is that she has been influenced by some pretty powerful dark forces.

I don’t know if you believe in spiritual warfare, but I sure do. Ever since becoming a Christian 8 years ago, I’ve been very in tune to the spiritual world around me, both good and evil. 95% of the time, I’m in tune with the Holy Spirit and His light and guidance. But every now and then, I can see and even feel Satan’s presence in the world. I’ve even had 2 times where it was more than just a feeling that Satan was in the same room as me. To be honest, it totally freaks me out and I wish I could just remain unaware of it, like most people. 

I know a lot of people don’t put much behind the whole good vs. evil thing. They certainly don’t think the two have a daily battle that goes on all around us. It’s a little too “new agey” a little too “hocus pocus.” Maybe a little too scary to actually acknowledge.

Satan is in her life. God is in mine. Satan hates God and everything that represents Him. The two fight it out every single day in a battle we can’t see.

Every instinct I have says “Stay away from her.” I want to do nothing other than run far far away from her. To ignore her, push her out of my mind, forget the horrible things she has said and done. But by doing that, how can I ever help her? I feel caught between wanting to protect myself and wanting to rescue her. 

I was talking with my oh-so smart best friend, Caitlin, yesterday and she helped give me some wonderful insight. There’s no need to put myself in harm’s way by talking to her, being in her presence or having any sort of communication with her. But I can still help her through prayer. Prayer is powerful. God can work in mighty ways through prayer. 

So for now, I’ll keep my safe distance from her, but I will pray. I will pray that the Lord will be victorious in this battle. That He will set her free and allow her to come into a new life in Him. You just never know what can happen with prayer.


3 thoughts on “A Battle

  1. I'll be praying for you in this battle; thanks for opening your heart and sharing. I can relate to processing things by blogging; right now, I have a few heavy posts stewing in my mind and it will be such a relief to finally get my thoughts posted.


  2. Thanks for sharing Becky. It's so hard but so good to remind ourselves of where the evil things in the world come from. Good for you for recognizing the source and for going to God for the strength to fight it-even from a distance. God is greater than all evil, I'm sure your prayers will be fighting more than you know.


  3. Hi. We don't know each other. I stumbled onto your site after visiting Munchkinland Designs. But I SO relate to this trial you've described. The difference, however, is that my non-opponent is my dad.

    Having a relationship with him is not healthy for me. He has this ability to pour on un-due guilt and emotional turmoil that inhibits me from functioning properly in all other areas of my life — as a wife, mother, friend, even Bible teacher. And yet there is this part of me that feels it's just not “Christian” to cut him out of my life. He is my dad, after all! It's a struggle on which I continually waver. I want to be forgiving and loving and “turn the other cheek”, but I also need to care for and protect my family. That includes keeping me at my best … which I never am when he's in the picture.

    I pray you find your peace and that your step-mom finds God.


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