It’s pretty easy to allow Satan to answer these questions for me. I’ve heard everything from ” God is punishing you” to “God has left you high and dry” to “It just wasn’t meant to be” to the most frequent, “Well Becky, you wouldn’t be a good mom, that’s why you can’t get pregnant.” Ouch. And on and on it goes, if I let the devil whisper his answers into my ear.
To be perfectly honest, up until now, I don’t really feel like I’ve had an answer from God to the “why me?” question. Sometimes I think it’s because we’re just not ready, sometimes I think it’s because I’m supposed to keep my focus on my photography business. Sometimes I think He’s testing my faith. But I’ve never really felt convicted about why we’re going through infertility.
And then yesterday I found my answer.
I recently began a Beth Moore study on the book of James with some friends. I was more than a little scared to begin this study because I have always found the book of James to be the most personally convicting book in the Bible. To be honest, I sometimes avoid reading James because I’m not quite sure I want to hear what God has to say (sorry God!). So starting this study, I was hesitant at first but eventually I put my big girl pants on, ready for whatever God threw at me.
Little did I know that one of the very first things I would learn through this study directly related to the “why me?” question.
“Consider it pure joy my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” James 1:2-4
I felt these words settle in the depths of my soul the second I read them. It was like they were written just for me. Finally, I have a reason. It’s certainly not the reason I was hoping for, but I’ll take it. I’m going through this because God is working on my character. He is teaching me perseverance. And that perseverence will allow me to become mature, complete and lacking nothing? Yes please, sign me up.
If getting refined into a woman of maturity, character, faith, joy, strength and perseverance means that I have to go through years of struggle….well, bring on the struggle.
The timing on this lesson was absolutely perfect. I’ve been battling wave after wave of discouragement, disappointment and hopelessness lately and I think God knew that it was time to toss me a bone, a little nugget of hope. So while this journey isn’t getting any easier, I am so happy to know He is working in me and I will be better off because of it. So, I’ll just keep pressing on, hoping that I get to see the day when perseverance has finished its work in me!