I’ve decided that I’m pretty much indecisively schizophrenic when it comes to figuring out my “calling” in life. I’m all over the board. One minute I think I am supposed to be a stay-at-home mom (I guess you need kids first right?!), the next minute I want to be a full-time volunteer somewhere. One minute I want an office job, the next minute I think I’m ready to put my counseling degree to use. One minute I want a full-time job, the next I want a part-time job with less than 20 hours/week. I do know for sure that I want to stick with photography on a part-time basis, that thankfully isn’t changing! (I think. I hope. Well, for now anyway…haha!) And, I can certainly just make part-time photography my only gig, there’s nothing that says I can’t just keep doing that.
I have prayed and prayed and prayed about this and I really don’t feel any closer to discerning God’s will than I did over a year ago when I first started this Wild Goose Chase. I feel like maybe we’re at a place where He is saying “pick a path, any path, and I will bless it.” Which is awesome. I just don’t know which path to pick. There are too many!
At first, I thought that I would just volunteer. But that has proven to be even more difficult than finding a job! I’ve tried volunteering with countless organizations and every one has shut the door in my face. I’ve had everything from volunteer coordinators not calling me back to volunteer orientations being full for 6+ months to people outright saying “we don’t need your help.” Perhaps I’m not looking in the right places, but right now volunteering just isn’t going like I thought it would.
So then I thought I just wanted a part-time job as an administrative assistant or something like that. I sent out dozens of applications to doctor’s offices, clinics and other local businesses. Most places I applied at wouldn’t even look at my application. Until yesterday! I applied for an office manager job at a local acupuncture clinic (yay acupuncture!) and I actually got a phone interview, and then a face-to-face interview yesterday. Yay! The interview went great. And then I started second guessing myself and if this was what I really want to do….
Schizophrenic, I tell you!
To add even more confusion, I had jury duty on Monday. Most people moan and groan about jury duty, but I was so excited. My Bachelor’s degree is in Criminology and my mom was a probation officer for almost 30 years and I have always been fascinated by the criminal justice field. I loved every single second of jury duty. I loved everything from the jury orientation video where Colorado’s Chief Justice talks about “what a privilege it is to be a part of the judicial system” to being in a court room, to seeing the lawyers whispering with their client, to hearing “all rise!” when the judge entered. Loved. Every. Second. Even though I wasn’t selected to be a part of the final 6 person jury, I wanted to stay in the court room and just watch. Weird, I know.
Being called to jury duty awoke some dormant desire in me and suddenly I felt the strong urge to look for a job in that field. Today I applied for a probation officer job in my hometown. We’ll see if anything comes from that…
Gah I feel so frustrated that I can’t just seem to make up my mind about what I want to do. There are just too many possibilities. Too many things I want to do. And I completely lack the confidence and assurance of knowing which job I should pursue. I question my desires and decisions. I second guess myself every step of the way. Oh how I wish I could just make a decision and stick with it!