Whirlwinds and Storms

The past 3 weeks or so have been rough. I think this has been probably my lowest low point since going off of my medication for depression. It has most certainly been my lowest low point in the last 3 years or so. I think realistically it has just been the result of grief piled on top of more grief. And it all settled on my shoulders. And then one day, it was like I suddenly felt the weight of it all.

I feel like I’m doing a little better now. I’ve given myself permission to do whatever I need to make this time a little easier to get through. And if that means that I don’t get out of my pajamas or shower all day…so be it. And if that means that I don’t want to answer the phone and talk to a friend…I won’t. And if I need to leave Bible study early because certain people are triggers for me…I will. I have been an absolute mess. But I’m ok with that. I have earned the right to fall apart after the last 3 and a half years we’ve had. I’m not apologizing for it and I’m not ashamed of it.

Besides, I know in my life, God does some of His mightiest works and miracles when I’m in the depths. He comes right along side me and sits with me. He comforts and at the same time…He is working. I can feel Him working and moving right now….I don’t know what He’s up to. But I know He is up to something.

And I’m trusting that He’s allowing this difficult period in my life to be for my good. In Nahum 1:3, it says “His way is in the whirlwind and the storm…” Which is why I don’t feel the need to hurry up and get feeling better. I’m learning to be ok with not being ok right now. It took me a little while to allow my always optimistic heart to take a deep breath and just be still in the present whirlwind surrounding me. It’s ok if things don’t get better immediately. It’s ok to feel like crap and to have a pity party. It’s ok to be at my breaking point. Because usually, that’s when God finally has room to really work and accomplish something. He is working in the midst of this storm and I know He’s going to see me through it.

We’ve been having pretty amazing thunderstorms by my house lately. I shot this a few days ago right before the skies opened up. I’m absolutely enthralled with these storms. I just feel like I can see God in them…

Thankfully, David and I had a moment of clarity while sitting at the crossroads we’ve been hanging out at lately. We decided that we are going to Denver to get a second opinion. *gulp* We’re set to meet with one of the best reproductive endocrinologists in the state at the end of this month. He runs one of the top reproductive speciality centers and happens to currently have some of the best success rates in the state.

Before we meet with this doctor, we are going to have a consultation with Dr. B to see if there is any other testing or protocol changes he would like us to do. I love Dr. B and I would love to continue working with him, but I feel like we need to reevaluate what we’re doing. I don’t want to leave his clinic, but I also don’t want to keep doing what we’ve been doing over and over without thinking critically about why we’re doing it this way.

Regardless, we feel a peace about having a second opinion before we make another move. I think it’s a proactive step and will help us feel like we’re covering all of our bases. I’ll definitely post updates if anything ground breaking happens! And until then, I’ll just be hanging out under the beautiful dark and stormy skies.

Come one….you can’t tell me you don’t see God working in storms….I took this one yesterday. Love!

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11 thoughts on “Whirlwinds and Storms

  1. That last picture is AMAZING, truely breathtaking! I love this post and I agree with every word you said. One of my favorite all time Christian songs is “Praise You In This Storm”. It got me through some tough times and I think it goes hand in hand with what you said about God working in the storms. So true!
    I pray your storm will come to an end soon, and Who knows, maybe there will be an ah-ha moment when you get a second opinion.

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  2. I love this post! There have been so many times in the last two years that I've felt just like that… everyone else is waiting for me to just “feel better” or “move on”, but I'm just broken-hearted and need to spend the whole day in my PJ's. I hope that your upcoming appointments will help to bring clarity and give you some renewed hope and confidence as you choose your path.

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  3. Beautiful, beautiful pictures! I especially love that second one with the sunlight peeking through…God is amazing! 🙂 I am glad you are getting another opinion, although I know how hard that can be…Even if they completely agree, 100% with what you are and have been doing, you will feel more confident! Thinking of you, and praying for peace and growth during these stormy times.

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  4. Love that last picture! i'm awestruck in storms and definitely feel God's presence. I'm glad you're getting a second opinion. I think it will give you peace of mind. Are you seeing Dr. Schoolcraft? Do you live near Denver or do you have far to travel?

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  5. Definitely be kind to yourself right now and do what you need to do to deal with the greif! Psalms 113 comes to mind. I really think God has something in store for you guys even though He is asking you to wait. I hope the second opinion brings some hope and new information.

    Lovely photos as always 🙂

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  6. No, we're not going to CCRM for a couple reasons….how has your experience been there? I already live in CO, so I don't have to travel too far, but it will still be far enough to be inconvenient 😉

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  7. Your pictures always bring a smile to my face on my Instagram feed. I'm sorry this has been such a hard time for you but it's refreshing to see that you go through really hard times too and you are able to give yourself a break and just feel those feelings. I'm praying you guys find some answers with your second opinion…

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  8. Becky, I think about you often. I pray for peace, direction, courage, and, of course, blessings. Please be assured, although maybe not so comforting, that many have walked this road – God will led you and you will reach your baby. God works in ways we sometimes cannot see and He is working even now.

    I also wanted to let you know that I have made my blog private. If you'd like me to send you an invitation, please email me at sunnylivy@yahoo.com.

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