I feel like I’m doing a little better now. I’ve given myself permission to do whatever I need to make this time a little easier to get through. And if that means that I don’t get out of my pajamas or shower all day…so be it. And if that means that I don’t want to answer the phone and talk to a friend…I won’t. And if I need to leave Bible study early because certain people are triggers for me…I will. I have been an absolute mess. But I’m ok with that. I have earned the right to fall apart after the last 3 and a half years we’ve had. I’m not apologizing for it and I’m not ashamed of it.
Besides, I know in my life, God does some of His mightiest works and miracles when I’m in the depths. He comes right along side me and sits with me. He comforts and at the same time…He is working. I can feel Him working and moving right now….I don’t know what He’s up to. But I know He is up to something.
And I’m trusting that He’s allowing this difficult period in my life to be for my good. In Nahum 1:3, it says “His way is in the whirlwind and the storm…” Which is why I don’t feel the need to hurry up and get feeling better. I’m learning to be ok with not being ok right now. It took me a little while to allow my always optimistic heart to take a deep breath and just be still in the present whirlwind surrounding me. It’s ok if things don’t get better immediately. It’s ok to feel like crap and to have a pity party. It’s ok to be at my breaking point. Because usually, that’s when God finally has room to really work and accomplish something. He is working in the midst of this storm and I know He’s going to see me through it.
Thankfully, David and I had a moment of clarity while sitting at the crossroads we’ve been hanging out at lately. We decided that we are going to Denver to get a second opinion. *gulp* We’re set to meet with one of the best reproductive endocrinologists in the state at the end of this month. He runs one of the top reproductive speciality centers and happens to currently have some of the best success rates in the state.
Before we meet with this doctor, we are going to have a consultation with Dr. B to see if there is any other testing or protocol changes he would like us to do. I love Dr. B and I would love to continue working with him, but I feel like we need to reevaluate what we’re doing. I don’t want to leave his clinic, but I also don’t want to keep doing what we’ve been doing over and over without thinking critically about why we’re doing it this way.
Regardless, we feel a peace about having a second opinion before we make another move. I think it’s a proactive step and will help us feel like we’re covering all of our bases. I’ll definitely post updates if anything ground breaking happens! And until then, I’ll just be hanging out under the beautiful dark and stormy skies.
Come one….you can’t tell me you don’t see God working in storms….I took this one yesterday. Love!