The Wind

We had a great trip to Moab, we really did. But we changed our plans towards the end of our trip. Originally we wanted to camp for all 4 nights. The thought of a getting a hotel room for the 4th night didn’t even cross our minds when we first ventured into the desert. And then on the 4th day all we could talk about was a getting a room in a hotel. So why the sudden desire to scrap camping and change our plans? The wind.

The wind was relentless. It blew at a constant 25mph for 4 solid days without relief. It blew sand in my mouth/hair/ears/nose/eyes. It blew our chairs into our fire. It blew our hats off. It blew hamburger buns away. It blew little mountains of fine dirt into our tent. And it never let up.

On our third night as we sat in front of a fire that had been blown out, I thought, “this is the most perfect metaphor for infertility.” There we were, on vacation when most people were working. We were in one of the most beautiful areas in the whole country. We had days full of desert flowers, beautiful views, sunshine and good conversation. We were happy. And yet, there was this thing… this distraction that just wouldn’t go away. We couldn’t escape it, we couldn’t run from it and we couldn’t do anything to stop it.

It felt exactly like how infertility is. Our life is beautiful. We’re happily married, we have stable jobs, good families and we live in one of the most amazing areas of the country. We have friends, a good church, two cute little kitties and a lovely little home. Our life is good and it is blessed. And yet, there is this…thing that we can’t seem to get any relief from. We can’t beat it with medicine or surgery, we can’t pay money to make it go away. We can’t just forget about it and we can’t go into a hotel for some relief.

I got a little upset with God on our trip. “Really God?! We’re trying to take a nice little trip and you can’t stop the wind for just a day or two?! Can we please finally get a break?!” And then I looked around and realized God has been using the wind for the past 200 million years to shape Canyonlands. I was complaining about the very thing that caused such beauty to exist in this area.

The wind is amazing in its ability to transform. Did you know that a huge portion of Canyonland’s amazing canyons and rock formations were created by the wind? Yes, there was an ocean bed or two in the area at one time and the Colorado and Green Rivers have certainly played a part in the formation of the landscape. But it was the wind that carved out the amazing arches, The Needles, and it helped widen many canyons. The wind completely changed the barren landscape into something beautiful and magnificent. 

And maybe the same thing is true with infertility. Maybe the relentlessness of it all is changing me and turning me into something better than I once was. There are days when I certainly don’t feel that way.  I guess I can’t help but to hope that maybe something good is coming out of all this.

I took this the first night from our campsite. Not a bad view!
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10 thoughts on “The Wind

  1. Anonymous

    “And maybe the same thing is true with infertility. Maybe the relentlessness of it all is changing me and turning me into something better than I once was. There are days when I certainly don't feel that way.” – beautiful and so touching. I just want to say, I feel your pain.

    am a Guy. Chanced upon your blog. reminded me of the days when my wife and I were dealing with infertility. My problems were delayed liquefaction, motility & count issues. My wife had PCOS. It was a double whammy for us. We had then been married for 8 months when the diagnosis came. For the next 4 months we tried clomid, IUI…etc..NO avail. I thought we could never have a child as my liquefaction time was around 5 hours !!!!We STOPPED trying after that. The clomid, lycopene, carnitine all went into the trash can. Then magically the next month my wife became pregnant naturally. We dealt with IF for one year. But it changed myself and my wife forever. The financial costs were huge. I lost my job unable to cope up with the pressure of my career and IF. both of us shunned social events. All people we knew left to right were falling pregnant. (here in my country, barrenness is looked down upon, to the point that you are not invited to weddings on the grounds that your presence is inauspicious)

    It took me 8 months, almost the entire duration of pregnancy to settle my debts & get my life back on track.

    I still shudder at the thought about what might have happened if my wife did not become pregnant. As a guy I am not ashamed to say this..I still get nightmares, and when I wake up, I find myself sweating and trembling all over. The mental torture !!!!!! I will never wish it upon even an enemy.

    prayers from my side for you. May god give you the strength.

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  2. “Maybe the relentlessness of it all is changing me and turning me into something better than I once was.”… one can only hope! I certainly pray that there is a greater reason to all of this than to simply teach me patience!

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  3. Anonymous

    I am the guy above. Want to add that IF certainly did not teach me patience or made me stronger. But it made me insecure, uncertain and gullible <>

    But what changed forever was a certain way to feel the pain of other people. I had become more sensitive, more generous <> more accepting of other people's faults. It also made me realize how much I love my wife and this life that was give to me.

    That was what changed inside of me. Otherwise, IF though it was brief left my life in a mess. In all the 34 years of my life, the defining period has been that one year of IF when we gave it everything. All that we got. We were back to square 1 when it all ended. left to pick up the bits & pieces. to start a new life.

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  4. Exactly. Infertility is not a punishment. It does not exsist because some other part of your life is lacking. All your life experiences shape you. Mold you. Make you who you are. “God” or whoever is responsible for our being does not decide that we should or should not struggle with this. It is how we handle it that “he or she” is helping to guide. May your God continue to guide you with a peaceful heart and a kind hand.

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  5. What a beautiful post Becky! I love your perspective and your way of writing.
    I'm sorry this journey has been so relentless, but I get it. I get how it's always there in the back of your mind.
    You are so strong and wise Becky. I admire you for the way you've handled all of this with grace and trust that God has a plan for even this, the toughest journey of your life.
    As always, we're praying for you.Praying not only that God will end this journey soon and give you the child you've been praying and waiting for, but praying also that you will continue to go to him with all of this. Love you friend.

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  6. Wow, what a beautiful metaphor. I, too, hope that this infertility path will not only lead to a child, but will also give me spiritual growth. Thanks for the touching words in this post, it really helps me to reflect on my own experience and how to view God's plan for my life.

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  7. I very much understand those feelings. I certainly find myself in the middle of a happy day, when all of a sudden, out of nowhere, those feelings crash into me. They are just impossible to escape….every conversation, trip to the store, tv commercial, and long car ride, reminds me of what is missing…it is constant. I am thinking of you. Lots of prayers and love!

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