I decided to take a prayer hike yesterday after we got word that she was going to the hospital. To those unfamiliar, a prayer hike is simply a hike…where you pray a lot. 😉 I wandered the woods for 2 hours praying for her. And then I got word that her sweet baby girl had be born! Relief! Joy! I celebrated in the woods all by myself, it was glorious.
On my way down the mountain, the wind picked up a little bit, the pine trees started swaying, I looked up and I saw a beautiful hawk soaring. And at almost the same time, God placed a word upon my heart: “everything is as it should be.“
It nearly knocked me over.
I’ll try and explain why those 6 words moved me so much. I guess I feel like David and I have been out to sea, in a little raft, all by ourselves. The ocean currents aren’t stirring, the wind isn’t blowing and it feels like we’re going nowhere fast. It feels like we’re in no man’s land. Just sitting in our little boat, all by ourselves. Drifting. And sometimes it feels like life is passing us by. Friends are completing their families. Other folks we know are overcoming their own infertility struggles and having babies, adopting and moving forward. And here we sit.
At this moment in time, we have decided against moving forward with IVF (if you remember, that’s what Dr. B recommended for us, as well as our second opinion doctor back in May. Although both said that IVF also comes with a higher risk of another ectopic pregnancy…it pretty much doubles my already heightened risk for it). We came to this decision based on a handful of different reasons that I may share one day, or maybe not. We don’t feel called to adoption or foster care at this time either. I wish we did feel called, I would jump at the opportunity, but we just don’t feel God moving us in that direction yet.
And so it’s tempting sometimes to feel like God’s will has passed us by. That somehow we missed the signal for something that we’re supposed to be doing and now we’ve just been left in the dust. That maybe we didn’t listen hard enough or pray hard enough and the result is us just sitting here in no man’s land, with no clear direction to turn.
So when I heard those words on my heart, “everything is as it should be,” I felt like everything we’ve been through….these 4 years, the ectopic pregnancy, the loss of our baby, the heartache…it’s all a part of His bigger purpose. And we are still in fact, within the loving circle of His will for our life together. It made me feel like there is still purpose for us in this no man’s land. That being lost at sea is still part of His plan for us.
So today I’m praising God for the mysterious ways in which He works and communicates. And for the fact that everything we’ve been through has lead us to where we are now. And where we are now is exactly where we’re meant to be. There can be purpose when you’re lost at sea, drifting without direction. Everything is indeed, how it should be.
Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, ‘this is the way, walk in it.’-Isaiah 30:21