Ironic

I just had a Dr. appointment at my OB/GYN’s office for an annual exam. This was the first time I’d been there in 4 years. Weird. It’s a strange feeling to be released from Dr. B’s care back into the stream of doctors for “normal women” (ha!). We talked a little bit about everything I’ve been through and she asked if I had any concerns or questions. So I asked her about what to do with the fact that my body doesn’t seem to want to function properly (35-40 day cycles with 12+ days of spotting anyone? Yeah, not normal).

I’m passed the point of wanting to fix anything for the sake of getting pregnant. We’ve tried all that. Been there, done that.  I’d just like to feel normal. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt that way.

We talked about estrogen regulation, egg quality and about my fibroid, which is a leading contender in the dysfunction of my cycles. And then we talked about what to do about it all. The first time she said “Birth Control”, it didn’t quite register. Then she said it again and again. By the 5th time, my ears were ringing.

I wanted to laugh at first. Then I wanted to cry. Then I wanted to laugh again. And then I found myself actually contemplating what she was talking about. “Considering you’re at a high risk for an ectopic pregnancy, wouldn’t it be nice to not worry every month about whether or not it’s going to happen again?” Um, yes. Yes that would be very nice actually. That’s a very real fear that creeps up on me every single month. Every twinge of pain I feel or slight stomach ache I have, I immediately fear that something has gone horribly wrong again. It would be a huge relief to not have to worry about that any more.

But birth control? Really? Me? I mean, suppose it makes sense. It would regulate my cycles immediately, ending the crazy spotting, while also putting my fears of another ectopic pregnancy to rest. It essentially kills two birds with one stone.

But it also makes me squirm a little bit. For very obvious reasons.

Infertility, in a weird way, is birth control. It’s prevented me from getting pregnant for over 4 years and I’ve never had a say in it. I can’t change it or fix it or get around it. It’s completely out of my hands. But prescription birth control….that is well within my realm of control. And if I start taking it, then it feels like I’m the one making the decision to not have children. It takes the power away from infertility and it places it in my hands. Ooof.

Ok ok. Maybe that’s a bit extreme. Maybe I should look at it from a less dramatic perspective. I have fought for a very long time to get pregnant. And the longer I fight, the more I feel God asking me to consider the fact that He has not allowed me to get pregnant for a reason. I don’t know what that reason is, but maybe I will one day. And so if I can’t get pregnant, I’d at least like my body to function normally, and the way to make that happen is through birth control. Ironic, isn’t it?

I haven’t made a decision at all about this and I probably won’t for a very long time. My head is still spinning a little to be honest. So I’ll take some time to think and pray and talk to David. And maybe one of these days I’ll decide which form of birth control I’ll choose….infertility or a little white pill. They essentially do the same thing 😉

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4 thoughts on “Ironic

  1. Oh Becky, I hate this for you. I know how much this must frustrate/bewilder you… I felt all of that every time I had to take BCPs for cysts, miscarriage, even IVF. “Aren't we going backwards here?”- that's what it felt like. But I can also understand the fear of another ectopic. It's SUCH a hard decision to make. Hoping you can find some peace with it. Thinking of you sweet friend!

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