3.5 years ago, I remember sitting in my quiet office working on editing photos and answering emails. It was an unremarkable day, nothing out of the ordinary had happened until I heard a sound. At first I wasn’t even sure what the noise was. The wind? A cat rustling around in a closet? Water?
Whoosh. Whoosh. Whoosh.
I sat still. Held my breath. There is was again. Whoosh. Whoosh. It took a few minutes to realize the sound was coming from inside my own head. Like it was inside my ear or something. Like something was rhythmically whooshing past my ear, or inside my ear. I looked in the mirror to see if my ear looked different or swollen. Nothing. It looked perfectly normal.
A week later, the noise was still there. I saw my doctor and she looked at my eardrum to see if maybe it was a weird ear infection. “Your ear looks perfectly healthy,” she said. “Try a warm compress and ibuprofen,” she said. Ah, if only it had been that easy.
What resulted from the whooshing in my ear was months of CT scans, MRIs, cancer scares, MRVs, blood tests, hearing tests, neurologists and ultimately a diagnosis of Superior Canal Dehiscence Syndrome. SCDS is essentially when a small balance canal under your brain, the Superior Canal, wears away or develops a hole in it and begins to cause you all sorts of issues. In time, more symptoms developed; chronic vertigo, extreme sensitivity to sound, ear pain/fullness, imbalance, coordination issues, brain fog and eventually brain surgery out at UCLA. The vertigo and imbalance were by far the most debilitating symptoms. They made dealing with a little whooshing in my ear seem like a piece of cake. I remember waking up from surgery and immediately noticing that the vertigo was gone (Hallelujah!) but the pulsing in my ear was still there.
Weeks after surgery, my surgeon told me that the pulsing was just due to swelling and that it would certainly go away since the surgery was successful. After all, surgery resolved all of my other symptoms, it should resolve the whooshing too. I waited and I waited. Months went by and the noise remained. Years went by and the noise remained. This summer, the noise got so loud that I began to lose my hearing and go deaf in my right ear.
Eventually I saw my local neurotologist again and asked to read over my CT and MRIs again to see if anything had been missed. Indeed something had been missed. A tiny bone called the Sigmoid Sinus Plate was missing. Worn away, just like the Superior Canal bone had. There is a large vein right next to the Sigmoid Sinus plate so the noise I was hearing was blood flowing through my vein. We knew this meant another surgery was in my future. David and I went out to UCLA to confer with my first surgeon and he agreed that the Sigmoid Sinus plate was a potential cause for the noise that I continued to hear. He urged me to move forward with surgery.
Surgery was last Tuesday and I got to stay in Colorado this time, yay! In the weeks before surgery, I was calm and confident. On the morning of surgery, that all went flying out the window. Fear and anxiety crept up and pestered me the entire time I was in pre-op. I made David pray a dozen times over me and we continually read Scripture together which was my only source of comfort. My primary fear was that this second surgery might interfere with the first. That it would knock loose my bone graft and I would wake up with vertigo all over again. Thankfully the anesthesiologist swooped in and doped me up before I had a chance to back out and run to the car. 😉
Surgery commenced and before I knew it, I was in the post-op recovery room. I sat still for a long time and just listened. There was absolutely nothing to listen to. There was no pulsing, no noise, no whooshing. Quiet. Peace. Silence.
Before I had surgery, I heard that noise for 1,191 days. That’s 123 million times that I heard the whoosh in my ear. 123 million! It’s amazing I didn’t go insane.
I have now gone 1 full week without hearing anything in my ear other than fluid due to swelling and inflammation. It has been utterly quiet and utterly wonderful. Happy doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel. I am absolutely overjoyed. God is so good.
My recovery has been a breeze this time around. Even though I still had a craniotomy, they didn’t mess with my balance canals so my balance is great, my thinking and cognition is clear, I can concentrate and focus (it’s amazing what your brain can do when it isn’t subjected to hearing it’s own heartbeat all day long) and my energy is coming back. The only thing I’m struggling with is pain and my ear being suuuuper clogged. It gets worse as evening approaches but it’s getting a bit better as the days go by. I should be back to driving soon and living my normal daily life.
I am so SO glad that I didn’t allow fear to stop me from having this surgery. It was so tempting to think “I’ve come this far, I don’t want to push my luck” and back out of surgery. That fear could have prevented me from knowing the beautiful silence I know right now.
I think sometimes suffering can give us a bit of PTSD and we become quite risk-adverse. We don’t want to push our luck, take a risk or go out on a limb. Because what if that limb breaks? What if we fall to the ground? Those what-ifs can sideline us. Here’s the thing though – – – hard things are going to happen regardless. I could hit my head tomorrow and have my vertigo and the whooshing noise return instantly. We can’t insulate ourselves, stay away from all risk and hope that nothing bad happens to us. That’s almost a guarantee that something bad will happen! God isn’t going to reward us for playing it safe all the time. So every now and then we have to shake off the fear and step into the unknown. Who knows what blessings await! God is able to do immeasurably more than we can think, dream or imagine.