Out of the Blue

A while back, David and I left our old church. It was something we had been feeling the Lord calling us to do for a while which we had initially resisted. We had friends at our old church, enjoyed the teaching and generally felt at home there. We eventually stepped out in obedience and began the search for a new church. It didn’t take long before we found it. And when we did, it was like spiritual fireworks went off in both of our hearts. This was the place for us. From the very beginning, we have had nothing but stellar experiences, from easily finding a multiple places to serve, to having very meaningful conversations with the head pastor, to joining a small group that was full of a diverse bunch of awesome people. Everything has just been amazing.

Our small group is probably the biggest source of life-giving spiritual encouragement I have ever experienced. In the past, Christian community always felt hard. I never quite felt like I belonged. Our current small group is like a breath of fresh air. It’s a mix of people from all stages of life and it’s lead by one of the teaching pastors at our church named Charlie (we have 3 teaching pastors who rotate preaching, it’s brilliant!). Over the last year, David and I have gotten to know Charlie and his wife and they have been so great to us. Encouraging. Kind. Supportive. Challenging. Friends.

3 weeks ago as we walked into their house for small group, Charlie greeted us at the door and said “Hey! has Brad (lead teaching pastor) called you yet?” I looked at him quizzically and said no, then I inquired about why Brad would be calling me. “Oh, your name came up as we were talking about ministry leadership positions at the church. I’m sure he’ll call you soon.” And that was all the info I could squeeze out of him.

Sure enough, the next day Brad called. He talked to me about how my name had some up several times as a recommendation for a position at the church that would soon have a vacancy. I was excited and anxious to hear more about it, I couldn’t wait to understand exactly what Brad was referring to. As he kept talking, my excitement and anticipation kept building. And then he said 4 words which came falling out of the blue and are still ringing in my ears today: Director of Women’s Ministry.

Nooooooo! Please Lord, anything but this. Anything but women’s ministry.

On the whole, except for a few positive experiences, women’s ministry and I have a pretty bad track record. It has made me feel like an unworthy infertile woman. Always overlooked, insulted and excluded. It is where I’ve received all sorts of awful “advice” like, “maybe if God saw your faith grow, He would bless you with a baby.” It’s where I quietly sat and listened to moms complain about their children, swap childbirth stories and give each other parenting advice. It’s where eyes would land on me and then quickly move on to someone more relatable.

It’s where I experienced some of the deepest pain in my infertility and childlessness journey.

So me? Try and lead an entire women’s ministry? Yeah…no thanks.

That was my gut reaction at least. My knee-jerk reaction of oh hellllll no. Find another girl. Find someone other than me. I’m not strong enough and I don’t have the fight left in me to keep trying to turn people’s eyes to Jesus instead of their children.

That was 3 weeks ago.

Fast forward to today and I’m singing a different tune. God has been patient and gracious with me, slowly changing my mind and giving me perspective. I had a meeting with Charlie last week to talk more about the position because he would be the overseeing pastor of it and my boss. He told me that he specifically recommended me for the job because of, not in spite of, the fact that I do not have children. He thought it would bring further health to the ministry to have a somewhat nontraditional woman leading it. He thought it might help bring other women who lurk in the shadows forward. Maybe they would see me and feel like it was a safe place for them to come too.

This was probably the first time in 8 years that I have felt any benefit whatsoever to my status as a childless woman in the church.

So I’m finally at a place where my head and my heart agree that this would probably be a really good fit for me. Charlie is very spiritual formationally-minded so he has his eyes fixed on the same things that I do, like listening prayer workshops, spiritual retreats and deep and theological teaching for the women in this ministry. Our visions couldn’t align better and it would bring in everything I’m currently learning at Denver Seminary.

At this point, there is really just one little pesky problem standing in my way. My schedule.

Charlie feels this is a 20-30 hour/week job. I work 20-40 hours/week with my photography business and another 10-15 hours/week with grad school. I’m maxed out as it is. I’m not quite sure how I would even have enough hours in the day to fit ministry in. I have weddings booked through December 2017 so it would be at least 9 months before I could scale back and probably 1-2 years before I could stop it altogether. I just added a 2nd employee to my team so it’s not just me I have to worry about either.

As I pray about this (which it seems like is non-stop these days) I keep getting the sense from the Lord that this is the right opportunity but the wrong time. I think He is delighted that my heart did a 180 and that I actually feel excited about this prospect. I think He is overjoyed that I am willing to step out of my fear and into this position. But I also hear Him cautioning me to be careful with my time. Going 90mph and 60+ hours per week is not exactly a healthy way to enter into ministry.

I meet with Brad on Thursday to discuss things further. Maybe there is room for negotiation about how much time I commit to this position. Or maybe I tell him that for now I will take my name out of the hat and trust the Lord’s timing to bring me back one day when I’m able to fully devote myself to the ministry. Either way, it’s been so encouraging to see how God has used a source of pain in my life for His glory. How He has used something that has historically hurt me to now encourage my heart forward in ministry.

On The Road

The first half of 2016 was not terribly kind to us. David got seriously sick with 2 pulmonary embolisms in his lungs and almost died, I was still trying to fully recover from brain surgery, we lost a house we were trying to buy, a crazy lady surfaced at David’s work and took him to mediation (if you know my husband at all, you know how craaazy that sounds. He is maybe the kindest, quietest and most caring person in the world), we became basement dwellers in my in-law’s house as we waded through the hopeless housing market, I felt depression begin to resurface after a 10 year hiatus. Everything was looking pretty dismal.

We’ve had some crazy nights during these last few months. Nights where we bought cold beer and drove out of town to sit under the stars and have conversations I never thought we’d have. Nights where the tears wouldn’t stop. Nights where I worried about David. Nights where he worried about me. We took walks in the dark of night. We clung to each other for dear life before falling asleep. 7 years of trials had finally caught up with us.

We had many nights where we tossed out crazy ideas and discussed “what ifs.” Like, what if we just got the hell outta here? What if we just left? Like, leave it all behind. What if we took the equity from our house, bought an RV and just left town. Didn’t tell anyone. Just left. We could kiss our attempts to live a “normal” life with the rest of society goodbye and just do our own thing.

We were ridiculously close to doing it. Still are at times, if I’m being honest.

Ultimately, God intervened with a house. We bought a precious little bungalow and decided maybe we’d stay in town a little while after-all. If it weren’t for that house, we’d be long gone by now.

When we were on our trip to Utah, we encountered many people living the life that we almost lived. We’d pass a VW van barreling down the highway with the windows rolled down and sun-tanned faces smiling in the wind. We’d walk by a camper that was stocked with food from the latest grocery store, 80 miles away. We’d smile at a single woman and her dog as they walked back “home” which was a campervan with a doormat laying on the wet pavement. We’d catch a glimpse of a solar panel powering someone’s laptop in their RV as they answered emails and got a little business done.

It made me realize that there is a whole other world out there. A community of people who are perpetually on the road (and I’m not talking about retirees who are strategically vacationing in their motorhomes). These wanderers are not homeless. They are very much at home. Home is the road. They work from their RVs and Airstreams. They make a steady income. They live simply, in no more than 400 sq. feet of space. They see new things and meet new people with each week that goes by.

For whatever reason, these folks feel that life on the road is better than life at home, wherever home may have been at one time. Some of them are surely running away from their problems, like David and I would have been. But some of them seem utterly content to maintain a nomadic lifestyle, they aren’t running from anything or to anything. They simply enjoy life in the moment, wherever that may be. Call it perpetual wanderlust.

Instagram is a fascinating way to look at the lives of this wandering sub-community. Hashtags like #vanlife #airstreamdreams #sheroams #homeiswhereyouparkit bring up images of hundreds of people who are living in this countercultural way. They’ve given up their mortgages and desks for camp stoves and folding chairs.

Honestly, there is an entire community of landscape photographers that do this full-time. One of my photographic inspirations, Sarah Marino, lives in her Airstream with her husband and travels throughout the US taking photos to sustain her business. Photography is a beautiful way to sustain this way of life.

Since being home, our conversations about buying a camper, RV, Airstream or some other type of mobile housing have continued. We talk about early retirement, living on the road full-time vs. part-time. We talk about the benefits of having a “home base” here in Colorado. We talk about passive and active revenue streams. We are not talking in what-ifs anymore. What-ifs have morphed into strategic vision and meaningful plans for creating a different kind of life. It stopped being about running away. It started being about cultivating a life that we both feel drawn to, and have been for many years.

I read a book for class the other week called Searching For Home: Spirituality for Restless Souls by Craig Barnes (great book if you’re interested). It’s all about how we wander through life in search of meaning and a destination. Some literally wander in their VW van, across state lines and through National Parks. Others wander through relationships, jobs, churches, friendships, the newest technology. They get married because they think it will make them happy. They have children because they think they will finally feel fulfilled. They switch jobs. They move states, thinking that a change of scene will bring happiness (I literally see this in Colorado every day. People flock here in droves looking for a better life.).

Everyone wanders at some level. But it is possible to wander with a purpose. If you know where our true Destination lies, you’re never just adrift. There’s a difference between wandering aimlessly through life and being a pilgrim with your eyes set on your Heavenly Home as you journey along. As my professor said, “In Christ, home is within us.”

Heck, Jesus was a nomad. He wandered from town to town. Paul roamed an entire region, as did most of the apostles. The Desert Fathers intentionally removed themselves from society in order to seek God in the wilderness. Who says the only way to live a godly life is by following American society’s standards of living in a stationary house with a lifelong career, freshly mowed lawn and 2 weeks of vacation each year? Couldn’t you live an equally obedient, prayerful, God-pleasing life while traveling? Ministering to your RV neighbors and campground hosts? Helping a fellow traveler who has broken down on the side of the road? Volunteering to do trail maintenance and picking up trash in the parks? Reading the Bible and praying while taking a walk through the forest? Is that life any less honoring to God?

The whole point to life with God is to receive His love, love Him back and love others in the process. I believe this is possible whether you are living on the road, at home or somewhere in between. If we do this thing, we want to do it well. I want to live a life that deeply fulfilling and also glorifying to God. I think we can cultivate a life on the road that has purpose and is full of meaning, focus, beauty, simplicity, community, friendship, formative growth and intentionality.

I’m pretty sure this will happen. One of these days we’ll have our mortgage paid off, we’ll rent our house out and buy something to travel in. Maybe it will be in 6 months, maybe it will be in 10 years. We’ll just listen for God to whisper now is the time, go. If we’ve learned one thing, it’s to never count on your own plans. “You can make many plans, but the Lord’s purpose will prevail”(Prov 19:21). But holding your plans loosely doesn’t mean you can’t keep a dream in the forefront of your mind while you continue to refine a vision that might become a reality.Photo May 15, 6 44 55 PM (2)