A Little Catch Up

For the first time in almost 7 years, I let my blogging lapse. It’s been a little over 3 months since I last visited this space or even had a thought to begin writing. I’ve actually enjoyed the break and there might be more in the future. I’ve also found that since starting a personal Instagram account that is separate from my business, I’m sharing a lot more over in that space which has kind of almost replaced blogging. I don’t have the energy to write anything in-depth, so I thought a little bullet point update would suffice.

  • The house. Oh this house! We’ve had a love-hate relationship ever since moving in. The previous owners opted to not clean…ever, so we had a pretty gross situation on our hands after we closed. It took me a solid week of scrubbing + professional cleaners to finally get to a point where I’d walk on the floors barefoot. Immediately upon buying this house, things began breaking: air conditioning, pipes, sewer lines, electrical system, toilets. You name it, it broke. In the midst of that, we decided to do a little updating too. Hey, if you’re already sinking gobs of money into repairs, why not just keep your wallet open and do a few fun things too?! So we installed hardwood floors, solar tubes and redid most of the kitchen. And now we are officially done. Done with updates and hopefully done with repairs. At least for now 🙂

    To be honest, I haven’t been in town enough for this place to feel like home yet. It feels like a wonderful place to lay my head, but it doesn’t feel like home. I hope that changes in the months to come because I really do love it and I’m very thankful to be here, even if it’s only for a few days at a time.


  • Bahamas! We went to the Bahamas for a week to celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary. It’s hard to believe that it’s already been a decade! We had to wait until after closing to make any travel plans so as to not throw off bank account numbers for the underwriting of the loan. So with 3 weeks so spare, we made a last minute decision to go to the Bahamas. We stayed on the island of Great Exuma, which is a smaller and quieter island compared to Nassau or Paradise Island. Our hotel was great, the beach was gorgeous and it was a great way for us to decompress and reconnect. We didn’t do much other than hang at the beach, read, drink pina coladas, golf and enjoy yummy food all week.

    Everyone kept asking us if we were on our honeymoon which always made us laugh. Either we’re aging well or we act like newlyweds…or both! 🙂


  • Photography insanity. With fall came 21 weddings and elopements for my company to photograph. They were all over the state so consequently every week I was traveling and running from one place to the next. The leaves here in Colorado are just gorgeous in the fall and I have a lot of out of state clients who travel here to take advantage of the beauty. Our window is pretty small for how long the leaves stick around so I wound up packing in as many weddings as possible. One week we had 8 weddings in 7 days. Bananas. It was beautiful but oh-so exhausting. I’m actually pretty mad at myself for allowing things to get so crazy. I live an intentionally slow life with a lot of breathing room and margin, so to take on this much work is really not my norm. I think it was a combination of needing money for the house, trying to prove that “I’m back” after taking most of last year off due to surgery, and pride. Bad combo. Lesson learned.


  • My heart. As life is slowing down, I’m starting to get a handle on my emotions, my heart, the pace of my life and my focus. This has been a hard year with David’s health, coming to terms with life after brain surgery, family problems, selling our dream house, living 8 months in a basement, moving to a new town and a new church. My emotions went wild for a few months, dipping to the lowest of lows as depression returned. David was right there with me for a while at the bottom. We hung out there for many months, looking for hope, looking for reasons to keep going.

    Now that we are in our own space again and the cloud has lifted a little I can feel my heart settling, calming, lifting. It’s tempting to say that I’m “returning to normal” but the thing is, there’s no returning to anything. Things are different now. So much has happened in the last 2 years (err, 7?) to shake up my normal that there’s really nothing left to return to. Now it’s about pressing forward.

  •  School. Fall semester at Denver Seminary started at the end of August, right when the pace of my photography picked up dramatically. At the last second, I switched to an on-line class taught by one of the professors who founded my Christian Formation & Soul care program. I couldn’t pass up learning from him! Studying on-line this semester has been helpful since I just don’t have the time to drive to campus each week but it’s also hard in that you don’t have an opportunity to really interact with people in a classroom. I am looking forward to the rest of the semester because we’re going to make use of some video conferencing and I’ll finally have time to focus.

I guess that’s all for now. Maybe I’ll write sooner than 3 months from now. Or maybe not! We’ll just see how the Spirit moves 🙂


The River

I decided to post the first paper I wrote this semester to my blog. Not because I think it’s amazing or worthy of public appreciation (ha!), but because it describes so well the place where I currently am and I want to remember this place. The paper was to be a personal spiritual journey reflection paper. We were to identify an obstacle (ha! I have like 14 and I couldn’t choose so I rolled them all into one and just called it “suffering”) in our spiritual journeys and the steps we are taking to overcome it. Alongside that, we were to develop a word picture or analogy for this obstacle. These things have been floating around in my brain since oh….2009 and I feel like I am starting to finally make some progress with marrying the ideas of God’s love and the role of suffering in life. 

So here is my first paper affectionately titled, “The River.”

When I started my first day of school at Denver Seminary, my husband David was in the hospital with two large blood clots in his lungs. I quietly slipped out of his hospital room at 4:45am after a restless night’s sleep listening to him struggling to breathe and fighting through pain that his morphine drip was not helping. I walked through empty hallways with my books in hand, passing nurses in the cardiac wing who looked at me quizzically. Little did they know, I had a long drive ahead of me to a very important class that I refused to be late for. My husband is probably the only person who truly understood how important it was that I make it to class, despite, or perhaps in light, of his tenuous condition. 

My husband’s health crisis which kept him in the hospital for a week due to complications occurred six months after I endured three painful and mostly unsuccessful spinal taps, which were three months after I had brain surgery to repair a rare and degenerative vestibular condition. Brain surgery was on the heels of my husband’s job loss, which was on the heels of a ruptured ectopic pregnancy which almost cost me my life and resulted in the loss of our only child. The loss of our pregnancy came after three years of infertility testing and treatments which have brought us no closer to parenthood six years later. Suffice it to say, I have become acquainted with suffering.
Despite the brevity, I do not recount this grim list of events casually. Each one has made a deep and distinguishing impact on not only my day-to-day life, but my spiritual life as well. I share these events as a way to set the scene for describing the subsequent spiritual wrestling match that has taken place in my heart. 

Through the vast majority of the trials I have experienced, my faith in God and my enthusiastic pursuit of Him have not wavered. I have clung tightly to Him as David and I have weathered the storms that have come our way. I have continually sought the Lord through prayer, worship, Scripture, godly counsel, church, spiritual direction and a simple but deep longing in my heart to know and experience Him more. Along the way, however, a shift occurred in my perception as I unknowingly began to view God’s intentions for me with trepidation. My belief that God was good held firm, I just did not believe His intentions for me were good. I knew God was loving, He just did not love me quite as much. Subsequently, the door to my heart began to slowly close as I rationalized my way through why God would intend such hardship for me. I still sought after His wisdom, comfort, peace, guidance, presence, grace and forgiveness, but my pursuits ended there. 

During a guided retreat in November for CF606 which I was auditing at the time, I was made painfully aware of the impervious state of my heart. One of the retreat exercises entailed reading through various verses and writings about God’s love. Aggravated, I regarded this exercise as futile because of my conviction that God did not actually love me. Why spend an afternoon reading through things that did not even apply to me? It was in these moments when the Holy Spirit confronted me with my deeply errant view of God and His love. Does God’s love automatically equate with blessings or a lack of problems? Does the Lord’s goodness mean one never suffers or experiences hardship? Should the natural response to trials be closing one’s heart off to God in an attempt to self-protect? I was overwhelmed by how far astray my assumptions about God’s nature, which is characterized completely by love, had gone.

The retreat was a catalyst for reshaping my perspective. How I viewed suffering, trials and pain in light of my renewed sense of God’s love began to change. Conversely, how I viewed God’s love in light of suffering, trials and pain also began to change. As I opened the crack to the door to my heart wider and wider, my mindset began to shift and I have been more welcoming of God’s love in its various forms. Much of the Old Testament has been particularly transformative, allowing me to gain insight into the relationship between God’s love and the suffering of His people. One section of Hosea 6 has brought me considerable enlightenment in regards to God’s love and His intentions in suffering.
Come, let us return to the Lord; for he has torn us, that he may heal us; he has struck us 
down, and he will bind us up. After two days he will revive us; on the third day he will raise 
us up, that we may live before him. Let us know; let us press on to know the Lord; his going 
out is sure as the dawn; he will come to us as the showers, as the spring rains that water the 
earth (Hos 6:1-3 ESV). 
Isaiah 30, which speaks of eating the bread of affliction and drinking the water of adversity (Is 30:20 ESV), is a perfect description of the nourishment I have become familiar with and has given me considerable great insight into the Lord’s recognition of suffering and what He intends for it. 

The purpose for my suffering remains partially veiled. I do not believe the Lord has fully revealed His design for it in my life, nor do I believe my heart could bear the full weight of such purpose at this time. However, as I look back over the years, I survey remarkable maturity and growth that only suffering could produce. As gold is refined in a fire, so has my heart been refined by the trials. I cling to James’ words in the hopes that the perseverance produced by these trials might one day be made complete so that I would be fully “mature and complete, not lacking anything” (Jas 1:4 NIV).

If I were to further speculate, I might estimate that the suffering I have experienced serves, in addition to developing a mature faith, as a precursor to ministerial calling, whether that be in the realm of chaplaincy, spiritual direction or simply helping friends who need companionship while walking a difficult road of their own. Despite my blindness regarding the reason, I intend to continue in my pursuit of vulnerability before God. No longer will the door to my heart receiving and reciprocating God’s love remain closed. That is not a state to which I wish to return and so I will remain unflinching in my reception of His love, whatever form it may manifest itself. This includes intentionally remaining open in prayer during subsequent hardships, such as my husband’s recent hospitalization. The temptation certainly existed to adhere to past faulty beliefs the second we walked into the emergency room. As a result it takes extra intentionality to refute past convictions and continue forward in my simple but transforming belief that God is indeed good in my life, He is indeed for me and He does indeed love me.

As I have begun to explore the relationship between God’s unconditional love and His purpose in suffering, I have been led to a word picture of a river. A river is a wild and unbridled force that cuts through rock, plummets as a waterfall over cliffs, frequently floods low-lying areas, forms steep canyon walls, carves paths through impenetrable terrain and on occasion, injures the occasional recreational enthusiast. 

A river also shapes trade routes, provides irrigation water for fields and farms, nourishes surrounding flora, provides drinking water for wildlife and people alike, allows for spectacular scenery, fly fishing, rafting and outdoor relaxation. Rivers are wild and scary but they are also life-giving and peaceful. They are a vivid juxtaposition of wonder, life, necessity and goodness with rampant power, torrential rawness and a hint of danger.

If I wish to lead others to the water of this mighty River, then I myself cannot be afraid of it. I must be willing to submerse myself in these mysterious and often painful Waters. It is not enough to sit on the River’s edge and remark on its beauty, take photos and urge others to jump in while I stand at a safe distance, afraid to get wet. If I aim to attend to others along this river of God’s love, I must be a guide who is not hesitant to get in the boat and face the rapids head on. I cannot walk the shoreline shouting instructions at those who were willing to enter a boat, I must enter the River myself.

To draw the picture of a rafting guide out further, if my boat were to capsize with myself and crew in it, I cannot swim to shore, set up camp and count my bumps and bruises for the subsequent few months. There is no progress in rehashing old wounds while maintaining a victim mentality. If my boat were to snag on a log in the River and the air began to escape from it, I cannot wave my white flag and decide to walk the rest of the journey. The River goes places that cannot be traversed on foot. 

This is why I left David’s hospital room that Wednesday morning. Since that retreat in November, which opened my eyes not only to my own errant ways of thinking but also to the conviction that I was being called to begin the Christian Formation and Soul Care program at Denver Seminary, I have been utterly convinced that hardship should not hold me back from exploring more of God’s love for me. It probably would have been much easier to skip class, defer my studies for a semester and ruminate over yet another hardship that we have endured. I love my husband deeply and wanted to care for and support him in any way I could, but we both also were highly aware of the significance of not letting another health crisis impede the journey towards further spiritual growth and development. So I tiptoed out of his hospital room and back into the River.

This Time Around

I was packing boxes this week to get ready for our move in just 5 short days (did I mention that our buyers moved up our closing date? So now we are moving on Friday, which is 2 days after I begin grad school. Yeah…that’s not stressful at all!). I came across the journal I wrote in from 2007-2009 while I was getting my degree in counseling at Denver Seminary. Goodness. During my very first semester when I was only 6 weeks into my program I wrote, “I don’t think this is for me….” And it just got worse from there.

I have such a different mindset this time around.

I had orientation on Friday and there was nothing but joy and anticipation in my heart. No doubt or fear, no questioning or uncertainty and no temptation to run out the door (haha)! The entire 7 hour orientation was like a balm to my soul. I soaked in every message, every piece of advice given to us by the various professors, deans, students and faculty. I had the privilege of eating lunch with two professors in my program and they were so kind and encouraging. The entire day solidified my belief that things will be very different this time.

With such a strong desire to make my grad school experience rich and redeeming, there is certainly self-imposed pressure to do all the things I didn’t do back in 2007-2009. Read all the pages in all the books. Pour my heart into researching papers. Attend every single class. Stay on top of every assignment. Prepare. Enjoy. Study. Soak it all in. Thrive.

Truly I hope that I do all those things. But I think a little grace will go a long way too. It’s tempting to strive-strive-strive-achieve-achieve-achieve. But throwing myself into perfectionism and legalism isn’t going to accomplish anything. I have to keep in mind that I am still recovering from brain surgery. And we’re moving and house hunting. And I’m still running a business. And I’m still a wife. This education experience is sure to be rigorous and challenging, but it’s ok to rest, breathe and enjoy the ride as well.

After registering for classes, I had a peek at my course assignments and I am equally excited and overwhelmed at what is ahead of me. I have 3,126 pages to read, 10 papers to write, midterms, group projects, retreats and finals in the next 5 months. So yeah…. grace 🙂

Ahhhh just look at these beautiful books! I can honestly say that I’m looking forward to each one. They don’t feel like arduous text books to me. They feel like pages of wisdom, challenge and nourishment for my heart that I can’t wait to read. Let the journey begin…

Of All Things

I’ve always felt the call to help others. Back in 2007, in my 24 years of wisdom, I thought that naturally meant counseling so I pursued that degree. While I certainly don’t think my counseling degree was a waste, I do know that I missed the mark in that pursuit. And that’s ok. Because that experience was a significant stone in my path through life. It lead me on a 5 year journey that I have affectionally called my Wild Goose Chase. A chase of discovering God’s call on my life. It has been a journey of discovering my abilities + giftings and how they match up with needs of the world (and church) + God’s leading.

I have been auditing classes for about 2 years now at Denver Seminary in an attempt to “finish my unfinished business” and redeem part of my experience there from my counseling days. This fall I began auditing a class called “Scripture, Formation and Soul Care.” It’s been a wonderfully restorative class for me personally (especially considering the year I’ve had). Going into the class, I had no idea what to expect. I’ve been really surprised at how impactful it has been.  It’s reshaped how I view suffering, God’s love, how I approach reading the Bible and it has mended a few bruised areas in my heart.

Not only has this class ministered to my heart, but God has also used it to reveal another beautiful stepping stone in my path ahead. If you flip over this most recently discovered stone you’d find “Grad School: for real this time” written on the underside of it. Yep. I have officially applied to grad school…again! Maybe the second time is a charm 😉

I have prayed and prayed and prayed. I’ve sought godly advice, poured through God’s Word, talked with students at Denver Seminary, read books and prayed some more. I think I can say with relative confidence that God is drawing me back to pursue a formal education again. And this time, I think I’m hitting closer to the mark of what God is truly calling me to.

The program is called Christian Formation & Soul Care. The further I explored my class this semester and the more I looked into the program, the more I realized that this was it.

Can I just say that I think it’s pretty remarkable that God used brain surgery and spinal taps (of all things!) to help point me in the direction of my calling? If I hadn’t been so utterly broken spiritually this summer, I doubt I would have ever signed up to audit this class. I just think that is pretty awesome that those botched spinal taps actually had a purpose. I shouldn’t really be that surprised, but I am.

So what exactly is Christian Formation & Soul Care? Christian Formation is essentially our spiritual walk with God. It’s our process of maturity and development as we seek loving intimacy with Christ. The journey has many ups and downs, twists and turns, valleys and mountains. And it’s in this journey that we occasionally need a little Soul Care (also referred to as Spiritual Direction). The guidance of another…a fellow sojourner…a spiritual friend to encourage us and help point us back in the right direction (Christ) so we can get back on our way.

This is what I’ve felt God lovingly draw me into over the past several months.

The opportunities that this degree can lead to are pretty diverse…everything from leading retreats to becoming a spiritual director. You can get a job working at a church in pastoral care, discipleship or chaplaincy. You can also use it in a teaching context or some other type of full-time ministry. Or maybe God will lead me into something I haven’t even thought of yet! Two of my spiritual role models just retired from being full-time soul care missionaries. They traveled all over the world caring for other full-time missionaries who were away from home and in need of some spiritual encouragement and refreshment. They’d visit a missionary in India for a week and then head to China to encourage a group there. See? There are endless directions this path could go!

I love that this process involves helping others, but in a non-clinical or therapeutic context. I get excited at the idea of being able to help and encourage fellow believers on their spiritual journeys without needing to “fix” them in a traditional counseling setting. I feel a lot of peace and reassurance about that.

I am still in the very beginning stages of learning and understanding the world of Soul Care and Christian Formation. At this point, I have more questions than answers and I haven’t even been accepted formally into the program yet, so I’m practicing the art of not getting ahead of myself. I’m trying to pace myself here, taking one little step at a time as I hear His voice calling me forward. So for now, my application is officially submitted and I’ll wait patiently to hear the final word on if they’ll have me back for a second go-round. Fingers crossed! 🙂

This & That

  • First thing’s first. No birth control for this girl. We talked about it, I prayed about it and I just can’t do it. I kinda want to, for the sake of getting my body under control a little bit. But I just can’t.
  • So I know that I’m a professional photographer and all, so you would expect that I would have some pretty stellar way of keeping track of, organizing, printing and displaying all the pictures we take each year. But you would be wrong. Up until now anyway 🙂 I fiiiinally got a system down for organizing all our pictures and creating albums for each year. It took a lot of time and effort, but I did it! We now have an album of images for each year we’ve been married. It was really fun digging back through all our old pictures and picking out our favorites to include!


  • We’ve had lots of snow here in CO lately. Just one snow storm after another, and I personally love it. LOVE it. It could snow every single day, all winter long and I’d be a happy camper. It’s so peaceful and quiet……*sigh* I would love snow even more if there were no people involved in snow storms. People make snow storms complicated and stressful. People slide off the roads, people get in car accidents, people fire up their snow blowers at 6:30 am, people run to the grocery store and buy all the food as if they might die of starvation if they don’t buy that 6th bag of Cheetos. People make snow storms kind of annoying. 🙂 This picture was taken the day before the storms started. We took a little 6 mile hike in one of our favorite areas and enjoyed some 50 degree weather.

And this was a few days later 🙂
  • Today was my first day back to school! Eeeeek! As I drove for 2 hours through snow and rush hour traffic, I came up with more than enough excuses to turn around and drive home. But I stayed the course, I made it to campus, I prayed against fear and doubt that had been creeping in my heart and I stepped into class. I found a seat, nervously looked around, took a sip of coffee and opened my notebook. As our professor opened up class in prayer, I almost burst into tears. I was so overwhelmed with gratitude…. for second chances, for the gift of education, for the ability to attend class for the sake of learning and personal growth, for the chance to redeem my first experience in grad school. During our 3 hour lecture, I had the distinct impression that my heart was being healed. Right there, in the classroom. I could feel the rough edges being smoothed, the holes being filled. I devoured every word my professor spoke, I soaked up every powerpoint slide, every question he answered, every commentary he made. It was such a different experience from the first time I took this class. Radically different. Praise Jesus!
  • The Broncos lost the Super Bowl. I’m sad. Let’s move on, shall we?
  • I spent the better part of 8 hours on Friday dealing with image theft, copyright violation, DMCA, Cease&Desist letters and the eventual takedown of another “photographer” who decided it would be a good idea to steal my photos and post them on her website and FB page, pretending it was her work. Let’s just say she picked the wrong photographer to steal from 😉 After multiple attempts to contact her and demand she remove my photos from her website, she eventually called me on the phone to scream at me and accuse me of attempting to ruin her business. She accused me of slander and harassment and all sorts of other stuff. It got a little ugly. By pure coincidence, a few other photographers found out she had stolen their photos too. Before long, the whole situation had blown up on social media and within 12 hours, this girl had received over 300 emails from my fellow comrades demanding she remove the photos and shut her entire business down. And as I write this, my photos have been removed, she has issued an apology and her site has been shut down. Man, I love being a part of such an amazing community of photographers who are willing to fight for each other. There is a lawsuit pending against her, started by a few of the other photographers who she stole from. I don’t think I’ll be getting in the middle of that. I have a low tolerance for drama 😉
  • IF Gathering is this week! Woot! Our gathering is smaller than we were originally planning, but I think it’s for the best. It’s going to allow for lots of time to really dig in, connect, fellowship and learn together. And, there’s going to be Panera and an endless supply of coffee, count me in! 🙂

Baby Steps

I’m not 100% sure, but I think the Wild Goose Chase is resuming. I haven’t written about this in a while. Essentially, I have been on a quest for the past 2 and a half years to discern God’s will for my life. A quest that I affectionately call my “wild goose chase,” based on a wonderful book with the same title. I’ve been on this quest for the past 2 and a half years after some stirring in my heart about finding and fulfilling my true calling in life.

I’ve noticed that this chase has developed a sort of pattern involving me pursuing the Lord about it, Him revealing things to me that freak me out and then I back off. Then we start the process all over again a few months down the road. And now I’m starting to think that I might be taking my first obedient baby step towards discovering what He has next for me (Sidenote: I adore photography and my business, I will never walk away from it if I have any say in the matter…I just feel like God is going to have something else planned for me too).

And that first step is actually a step back in time. I’m going back to grad school. Ha! No, not really. Well, kind of. I think I’ve decided to go back to seminary and audit some classes.

Long story short, I went to seminary for my M.A. in Counseling from 2007-2009. Half way through the program, I realized that counseling wasn’t sitting well with me. It was hard and I really didn’t feel like I was any good at it. I was thrown into really tough situations (counseling former prostitutes and homeless ex-convictss anyone? yeah, tough) and I eventually got to the point of having borderline panic attacks before counseling sessions. I was incredibly disheartened and defeated and sad. I thought that this was what God had called me to, how could it be such a difficult, painful and paralyzing experience?

And so, maybe as a defense mechanism, I basically checked out of school in my 2nd year. I turned away from my internship, rejoicing when clients no-showed or cancelled their sessions with me. I stopped trying to learn how to be a better counselor and just accepted that I was an ineffective counselor and there was nothing I could do about it other than quit. I stopped doing required reading for class, I stopped studying for tests, I came up with excuses to miss lectures and avoid my 3 hour daily commute to and from school and I just generally turned my focus away from school. I did manage to maintain a good GPA and I graduated, but I pretty much vowed to never use my degree.

At the time, I was fine with slacking. But now, it’s one of the deepest regrets I have in my entire life. I feel so much shame over how I finished my time there. It haunts me. Every now and then, I drive by the campus, and I just feel pain in my heart. Pain that I robbed myself of what could have been a great experience. Pain that I didn’t treasure my education at the time. Pain that I gave up without a fight, even though it was hard. Pain that I could so easily dismiss my opportunity to be there. I cheated myself and I regret that so much.

And now, 5 years later, I think I’m ready for a do-over. I’m ready to put my fears aside and go back with an open mind. I’m ready to attend all the lectures I missed and do all the readings I avoided and soak up all the knowledge I can. I’m ready to make up for the all the ways I cheated myself out of a good experience and try to reclaim some of the broken pieces of my heart that I left on campus.

I have felt a gentle theme of “finish your unfinished business, Becky” coming from the Lord for quite a while now. This relates to several areas of my life, but going back to school and redeeming my experience there is definitely at the top of the list. I really feel a conviction in my heart that this is something God wants me to do. And so I’m going to step out in obedience.

I recently found out that alumni can audit one class per semester for only $35. That’s amazing! I’m still praying about it, but I think that starting in January I’ll go back and audit one class per semester until I feel like I’ve gotten to a place where I can say I made up for all I lost in my first go round. It might take me 10 years, but I’m going to do it. And maybe along the way, God will give me a glimpse into fulfilling my calling. Maybe it will happen in class or in a reading or in a professor I meet, but I think this is my first active step towards exploring something else God might have in store for me. It took me 5 years to get here, but I’m here!

Now to be fair, counseling still completely freaks me out, so I think I’m going to start with a few of the Biblical classes I missed and then I’ll eventually build up the courage to take a counseling class or two. I don’t want to get too crazy and dive in head first or anything! Baby steps, baby steps….. 🙂